Conquering the fear of the stupid question

Ever catch yourself saying something like, “I’m sorry if this is a stupid question, but…”? We all use mindless preambles, usually without thinking about the impact on our credibility. But as with many things in Precision Q+A, preambles can become more precise and powerful. A preamble is a short statement preceding a question, that makes our intent or motivation clear. Preambles are useful because they defuse a potentially awkward moment (such as the worry about a “stupid” question) and they do so unexpectedly—by pointing right to the awkwardness!

People who take the Precision Q+A workshop sometimes ask themselves how they are going to make their questions more precise without upsetting others or putting their colleagues on the spot. Using preambles is a simple and highly effective technique for overcoming this worry and asking more precise questions without any change in the quality of our social connections.

NOT JUST EXTRA WORDS

Of course, preambles are not just added words! Effective preambles are precise in both their wording and their effect. That’s why we categorize “I’m sorry if this is a stupid question” as a mindless preamble rather than an effective one. A mindless preamble reveals that we have a concern, but instead of taking the time and effort to make our preamble more precise, we say the first thing that comes to mind! A Precision Q+A preamble is a concise, deliberately chosen phrase that comes before a question, which clarifies the intent or reason for asking when it is necessary to do so.

EFFECTIVE PREAMBLES

As we begin using preambles more purposefully, we notice that they fall into a few common categories.

The motivational preamble
Sometimes we want the other person in the discussion to understand a positive motivation behind our question, but we don’t want to give a long story about why we are asking. This is a perfect situation for the motivational preamble:

• “That really interests me, so I’d like to ask another question….”
• “I’m encouraged by your answer, and it sparked another question….”
• “I like that idea, so let me ask something else….”

The redirect preamble
Sometimes we start down one path of thought and discover that we need to go in another direction. Often we ask something general when we need something specific. Each of these situations calls for a quick way to redirect the discussion.

Imagine we are sitting in a meeting and we are thinking about an important issue, with a precise question in mind. We begin to speak, and the words are far too general. (We know! It happens to the best of us.) Use a redirect preamble to regain your precision:

In the mind: “How many times has this happened in the past six months?”
Out of the mouth: “How do you know?”
Preamble to the rescue: “Sorry to interrupt, but I didn’t ask that very precisely: I was wondering how many times this has happened in the past six months.”

The navigation preamble
When we ask questions in a group, we need techniques that keep everyone focused on the same line of thought or level of detail. If we know that our questions are going to take the group higher for a view of the forest, we may want to signal that shift; likewise if we are going to ask something deeper into the trees. When we want to show that our intention is to shift the focus and help the group, we need navigation preambles:

• “This question may be more abstract than the others, but I’d like to know….”
• “I know I’m focused on the details, but I need to ask….”
• “Jumping up to look at the bigger picture, I wonder….”

The defusing concern preamble
One of the most common uses of preambles in everyday conversation is to defuse concerns that our questions may create awkwardness. Remember the most common preamble we hear: “Sorry if this is a stupid question,” which is a preamble that simply shows the other person that we are worried about how we are being seen. Used more effectively, preambles can help us defuse potentially awkward moments without simply revealing our insecurity. The key to the defusing concern preamble is the combination of concisely naming our concern and also showing our positive motivation.

Imagine that we are sitting in a meeting and we are discussing a choice between A and B. As the meeting goes on, we find that we aren’t following the logic guiding the decision toward A over B. We can feel that we have a question forming in our minds, but we can also feel a concern that everyone else in the meeting already understands the logic. We have to make a decision: is the question important to ask? If so, let’s find a preamble that defuses the concern: “I realize this may already be clear, but just to be sure we are on the same page: what is the logic behind choosing A over B?”

Notice how the preamble directly addresses the concern and also shows the intent for the question to be helpful to the discussion. When used effectively, preambles take the wind out of the sails of an implicit criticism, freeing up space for important questions.

The quick empathy preamble
Sometimes we hold back from asking questions because we aren’t sure how they will impact another person. Preambles give us a concise way to indicate our empathy. When we are in tune with the other person, we can use our insight into how they might hear the question to indicate that we are aware of a potential difference of opinion, such as:

• “We might have different points of view on this issue, so I was curious….”
• “There’s a chance you could interpret my question the wrong way, but stick with me while I ask….”

KEEP IT CONCISE!
Preambles are always phrases, usually ten words or fewer. Too long, preambles become distracting. Keep them concise to be most effective. With a bit of practice, you will find preambles to be one of your most valuable tools.

THIS MONTH’S PRACTICE

Learn to use the Precision Q+A version of the preamble: a concise, deliberately chosen phrase that comes before a question, which clarifies the intent or reason for asking when it is necessary to do so. Once we get the hang of these concise, direct statements of motivation or concern, we find preambles useful in almost any conversation.

PRACTICE 1: Build awareness
During your next meeting, keep a piece of paper nearby to use as a tracking device for preambles. On the paper, draw four thought bubbles. Label the first: redirect. Label the second: motivation. Label the third: concern. Label the fourth: empathy. Monitor your thoughts during the meeting. When you catch yourself asking an imprecise question that could be redirected, place a checkmark in the redirect bubble. When you find yourself wanting to explain your motivation for a question, place a checkmark in the motivation bubble. When you feel yourself not asking a question in your mind, place a checkmark in the concern bubble. When you find a sense that the question could impact the other person, place a checkmark in the empathy bubble.

PRACTICE 2: Create in advance
Immediately after a meeting where you tracked moments when preambles could have been useful (Practice 1 above), sit down and recall what was going on in your mind. For each checkmark in the bubbles, see if you can remember the thoughts that accompanied them. Write preambles that would have allowed you to move ahead with your questions. By writing preambles in advance of your next meeting, you will find them easier to articulate at the speed of discussion.